Waiting ... (and a little TMI)
My balls hurt! My stomach aches! I've taken enough painkillers to eventually put me in Betty Ford. I'm in pain. I'm tired and I can't sleep. I'm so tense I have to remind myself to breath. And all I can do is wait.
I went through nine weeks of chemo. On December 14th my doctor told me that I was "essentially cured" --- great news but I haven't let it sink in and won't until I get the results of the CT scan and ultrasound on Wednesday. I've lost my optimism that the news will be good. I only felt "good" for about two weeks until I started feeling pain in my testicles again. The scans were moved up a week and .... nothing.
The scans went well I guess. The technicians didn't tell me anything (not that I expected them to) though I got the sense that the news isn't going to be good by the way the nurse avoided looking me in the eyes afterwards (though, admittedly, she probably didn't realize that I knew some of the tumor would still be there.) Now, I gotta say - and I'll digress for a moment - that the male technician giving me an ultrasound (which, by the way, is the same as a sonogram) was a lot gentler than the woman who gave me one right after my biopsy in October. She squirted jelly all over me, rubbed her wand all over the place ( I was almost worried I was going to get an erection) and was in the room as I cleaned myself off. He was much more ... respectful - only placing the wand on each side of my testicles and not moving it around much. Then he left the room as I wiped the jelly off. Finally, a little privacy and a chance to regain some sense of modesty.
I felt that if I heard from Hutson Thursday or Friday morning I'd be in for bad news. If I didn't hear from him ... well, no news is good news. But I can only take so much waiting. I called his office Friday afternoon to see if he had seen the results. He had been in the hospital calling on patients all day and probably hadn't seen them but his nurse had. So, his nurse proceeds to say that he doesn't see anything remarkable in the scans except for some blockage in some tube in one of my testicles. Most men have this kind of thing for years and it's not a big deal but is something to watch. Have I noticed any swelling? There is the expected scar tissue in the CT scan. Otherwise it looks fine and is unremarkable but we really won't be able to evaluate anything until we compare it with the scans that were done in October (which I have). But the focus of the conversation (for him) is on referring me to the urologist at Southwestern (which I've already discussed with Hutson) and not on the pain I'm having and I get the feeling that he doesn't really know what he's talking about and probably shouldn't be discussing the results with me over the phone anyway. So, I hung up more frustrated and pissed off than I was to begin with and start waiting for my appointment on Wednesday.
Did I mention that I turn 40 tomorrow? What a way to celebrate a birthday!
I went through nine weeks of chemo. On December 14th my doctor told me that I was "essentially cured" --- great news but I haven't let it sink in and won't until I get the results of the CT scan and ultrasound on Wednesday. I've lost my optimism that the news will be good. I only felt "good" for about two weeks until I started feeling pain in my testicles again. The scans were moved up a week and .... nothing.
The scans went well I guess. The technicians didn't tell me anything (not that I expected them to) though I got the sense that the news isn't going to be good by the way the nurse avoided looking me in the eyes afterwards (though, admittedly, she probably didn't realize that I knew some of the tumor would still be there.) Now, I gotta say - and I'll digress for a moment - that the male technician giving me an ultrasound (which, by the way, is the same as a sonogram) was a lot gentler than the woman who gave me one right after my biopsy in October. She squirted jelly all over me, rubbed her wand all over the place ( I was almost worried I was going to get an erection) and was in the room as I cleaned myself off. He was much more ... respectful - only placing the wand on each side of my testicles and not moving it around much. Then he left the room as I wiped the jelly off. Finally, a little privacy and a chance to regain some sense of modesty.
I felt that if I heard from Hutson Thursday or Friday morning I'd be in for bad news. If I didn't hear from him ... well, no news is good news. But I can only take so much waiting. I called his office Friday afternoon to see if he had seen the results. He had been in the hospital calling on patients all day and probably hadn't seen them but his nurse had. So, his nurse proceeds to say that he doesn't see anything remarkable in the scans except for some blockage in some tube in one of my testicles. Most men have this kind of thing for years and it's not a big deal but is something to watch. Have I noticed any swelling? There is the expected scar tissue in the CT scan. Otherwise it looks fine and is unremarkable but we really won't be able to evaluate anything until we compare it with the scans that were done in October (which I have). But the focus of the conversation (for him) is on referring me to the urologist at Southwestern (which I've already discussed with Hutson) and not on the pain I'm having and I get the feeling that he doesn't really know what he's talking about and probably shouldn't be discussing the results with me over the phone anyway. So, I hung up more frustrated and pissed off than I was to begin with and start waiting for my appointment on Wednesday.
Did I mention that I turn 40 tomorrow? What a way to celebrate a birthday!
posted by Tres at 6:10 PM
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