Thursday, September 29, 2005

day one

my doctor called this morning. the results from the cat scan i had yesterday came back. i've been having stomach problems for the past month --- i've never been in such pain before. imagine having horrible gas then someone sticking dull nails into your abdomen and you'll come close to what i've been experiencing. so my doctor calls --- i have a 10 cm x 8.5 cm mass wrapped around some vitals in my stomach. he thinks it's lymphoma. what's lymphoma? i'm still not sure i know and it's been explained to me at least a couple of times. i'm not retaining much of anything. whatever it is it doesn't sound like it will be easily removed via surgery. courtney said that it's probably non-hodgekins lymphoma --- which is pretty common and not unusual enough that i'd have to go to md anderson. i guess that's good news. i went back for blood tests. i love my doctor --- he has a great bedside manner. he's been very reassuring that everything will be okay. And I believe him.

I go in for a physical every year and every year I have this little voice inside me says my doctor is going to find something. Luckily, that's never happened. This year, after my last physical a couple of months ago, I thought hey, i'm okay --- nothing is going to happen to me. even after the cat scan i didn't think they'd find anything. i thought i was just constipated.

i told my parents --- i called them right after i spoke with dr vasquez. i could hardly speak without sobbing, I couldn't catch my breath --- the panic that induceed in my mother will haunt me for a long time. my father wanted me to come to san antonio right away --- though i've never felt particularly close with my father i was touched that he would insist on that. then they decided they'd come up to dallas --- no! i need to REDUCE stress. let's wait until the biopsy, then you can come up.

it's been a roller coaster day. i've done a fairly good job not letting this sink in --- of course, i keep telling myself, we don't know what it is yet. wait for the biopsy. i am optimistic though when this all sinks in how long will the optimism last?